I stand here in dock staring out at the beautiful lines of my Caracal. "Pandemonium" is what I call her, and I kno how well she has treated me. How far we have come in these last 9 or 10 Earth months since I moved here.
I feel like I have accomplished a lot. I hav cleaned myself up an I have cleaned up my home system. It have created a safe and profitable "Blue" shipping system here. It has cost me much in time, energy, isk, and diplomacy thru both convo and missiles. Things hav changed in the last few days. I understand that this is the way it is in New Eden. I am fully aware. but right now somhow I feel a depression coming over me that all I have done, all I have worked so hard for may be coming to a close. Not jus for Violet to have a safe place to harvest her ice, but for my alliance and for the friends I have made here in the region. I have a dark cloud forming over me raining thoughts of that some do not understand the full scope of what has been accomplished here, and the benefits that have derived from it.
I must keep a positive outlook. I cannot let my demons come back to haunt me as they have destroyed me in the past. I understand why Violet gets so worried that I may do something from which I can never return. I kno that she is right. I must stay strong.
I am a pirate. I AM a pirate. I am a good pirate but I am a pirate with a personal ethics and code that drives me. I have my demons, but sometimes it is those demons that drive me to be able to do things otherwise I would not be able to do without them. They giv me a passion for what I do. I do not mean to hurt others with wat I do and for those that I do I am sorry. But on the big picture I feel I have done good things. I need someone to listen. I need someone to understand an be there for me as I hav been there.
~ Ela
